What's happening in Congress?

Sun, 12/10/2017 - 08:52

by Alan Robles

Having ingested too many televised committee hearings the past few days, I had a disturbed sleep where I dreamt I interviewed a congressman.

Me: Congressman, I can't tell you how excited I am to get an exclusive interview with you. Everyone knows how our congressmen are all so occupied flying abroad investigating things in Europe with their families, or are too busy speeding through Manila's red lights with their sirens blaring, it's wonderful you can find the time to talk to us.

Congressman: That's why you can only interview me in your dream

Our first online survey

Thu, 12/07/2017 - 13:07

by Alan Robles

We couldn't believe how some networks and newspapers would just blindly publish the results of an online survey. Didn't they ask for the methodology? Question the validity? Interview other statisticians? Apparently they did none of these things.

So we did the most logical thing: set up our own online polling company.

It's called "Decepticus Fantasia" and we like to describe it as "established." As in, "established 30 minutes ago." Like it? The company's motto is "our surveys aren't just credible, they're INcredible."

Journalists vs fake news bloggers

Thu, 12/07/2017 - 12:50

by Alan Robles

Since the Senate hearing on fake news, blogging and journalism, we've received tens of thousands of requests for our expert media opinion about what happened.

All right, actually, we haven't gotten any requests at all, we just made that up.

But that's OK, we're merely exercising free speech. It's one of the things we learned from the hearing - which, by the way, we totally didn't watch. But again, that's OK, because we are entitled to our personal opinion.

Anyway, we will now answer your questions on the matter. You don't have any questions? No problem, we made them up. You're welcome.

What you need to cure your sick democracy

Thu, 12/07/2017 - 12:45

by Alan Robles

Dear Philippine democracy, have you been feeling listless and sleepy? Are you sick and tired of human rights? Do freedom and liberty give you migraine? When you hear the words "writ of habeas corpus," do you suffer vertigo and nosebleed?

Bad news: you might be suffering from political anemia.

Good news: the pharmaceutical company DigongMy Labs, has just what you need!

ASEAN for everyone

Thu, 12/07/2017 - 12:41

by Alan Robles

Why are nasty critics saying President Duterte accomplished nothing during his trips to Hong Kong, China and Cambodia? It is simply not true. Let's look at his concrete achievements:

First, he managed to get some much needed snooze time. This is an important component of the Duterte presidency. How else can the president recharge himself for his fabulous late night demented rants?

Second, his family and entourage got to do vital shopping and touring in Hong Kong.

Third, and most important, Duterte did something epic: he reshaped the world. He said he would support the membership applications of Turkey and Mongolia to ASEAN.

The discarded statement

Thu, 12/07/2017 - 12:10

by Alan Robles

Soon after President Duterte appointed Senator Alan Cayetano foreign affairs secretary, the foreign office (DFA) issued this statement:

"We congratulate Senator Cayetano on the President's announcement of his appointment as Secretary of Foreign Affairs.

"We look forward to working with him, and the Department is now preparing to ensure a smooth institutional transition and to continue providing our services to the public. END"

Simple and concise. Why, you can barely detect the gritted teeth.

Preparing for the UN human rights review

Thu, 12/07/2017 - 12:04

by Alan Robles

Facing a United Nations Human Rights Council periodic review, the Duterte administration is sending a special delegation to Geneva. The elite team will properly address the issue by taking down the names of UN officials, putting them on lists and warning them they might be visited by members of the Philippine National Police riding tandem bikes.

Just kidding.

Pages

Subscribe to Hotmanila RSS