What you need to cure your sick democracy

Thu, 12/07/2017 - 12:45

by Alan Robles

Dear Philippine democracy, have you been feeling listless and sleepy? Are you sick and tired of human rights? Do freedom and liberty give you migraine? When you hear the words "writ of habeas corpus," do you suffer vertigo and nosebleed?

Bad news: you might be suffering from political anemia.

Good news: the pharmaceutical company DigongMy Labs, has just what you need!

ASEAN for everyone

Thu, 12/07/2017 - 12:41

by Alan Robles

Why are nasty critics saying President Duterte accomplished nothing during his trips to Hong Kong, China and Cambodia? It is simply not true. Let's look at his concrete achievements:

First, he managed to get some much needed snooze time. This is an important component of the Duterte presidency. How else can the president recharge himself for his fabulous late night demented rants?

Second, his family and entourage got to do vital shopping and touring in Hong Kong.

Third, and most important, Duterte did something epic: he reshaped the world. He said he would support the membership applications of Turkey and Mongolia to ASEAN.

The discarded statement

Thu, 12/07/2017 - 12:10

by Alan Robles

Soon after President Duterte appointed Senator Alan Cayetano foreign affairs secretary, the foreign office (DFA) issued this statement:

"We congratulate Senator Cayetano on the President's announcement of his appointment as Secretary of Foreign Affairs.

"We look forward to working with him, and the Department is now preparing to ensure a smooth institutional transition and to continue providing our services to the public. END"

Simple and concise. Why, you can barely detect the gritted teeth.

Preparing for the UN human rights review

Thu, 12/07/2017 - 12:04

by Alan Robles

Facing a United Nations Human Rights Council periodic review, the Duterte administration is sending a special delegation to Geneva. The elite team will properly address the issue by taking down the names of UN officials, putting them on lists and warning them they might be visited by members of the Philippine National Police riding tandem bikes.

Just kidding.

Favorite yoga positions of the Duterte administration

Thu, 12/07/2017 - 11:36

by Alan Robles

Weeks ago, the ever reliable Stinking Pinoy News Network (SPNN) dropped a bombshell: a photo of the vice president DOING YOGA WITH A TRAINER RIGHT IN HER OFFICE. SPNN implied she used public funds for private lessons.

In fairness, the story had a minor problem - it was totally fake.The vice president was indeed taking yoga, but as part of a fitness program for her entire office, and the lessons were paid out of the pockets of the participants.

Dropped the ball there, Stinking Pinoy! Such a kidder, you.

But more important, you missed out on a REALLY GREAT story. Namely, did YOU know the Duterte administration is very much into yoga?

Scientific Poll: Should the Vice President be impeached?

Thu, 12/07/2017 - 11:30

by Alan Robles

Thousands of Filipinos have been savagely killed in eight months, and the murders haven't stopped. The President has repeatedly said he wants to kill millions. The police have been implicated in the slayings, as well as in violations of human rights. Investors are pulling out, foreign aid has been slashed and China has grabbed Philippine territory.

Why is this happening? Simple. IT'S THE VICE PRESIDENT'S FAULT. SHE SHOULD BE IMPEACHED.

Instant Duterte Speech

Thu, 12/07/2017 - 11:23

by Alan Robles

Every week, usually late at night, Filipinos are treated to the inspiring words and thoughts of their beloved President Duterte. His speeches are always a big hit, followed keenly by a wide audience that includes the media, political analysts, diplomats, Duterte appointees, Duterte trolls, Duterte troll fake accounts, clinical psychologists and ward attendants.

What the PNP needs to do: hold a beauty contest

Thu, 12/07/2017 - 11:15

by Alan Robles

Times are bad for the Philippine National Police (PNP). It's being linked to the wave of extra-judicial killings (EJKs) that's victimized thousands, as well as human rights violations. Last year, two police inspectors were arrested shortly after they murdered an anti-crime activist. This year, senior officers in central headquarters were implicated in the kidnap, ransom and strangling of a Korean businessman. This week, a superintendent who used to head a crime lab was caught doing drugs.

Things don't look good. Morale is low, discipline is shaky. Drastic measures seem to be called for. Can anything be done?

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