by Alan Robles
Does the new year find you depressed? Feeling unhealthy? Perhaps what you need is a vaccine shot. Good news! Our pharmaceutical firm Digong MyLabs has exactly what you need! We’ve just introduced several vaccines suitable for every condition, budget and social occasion.
What’s that? You’re screaming that you’re worried? Because of the controversy over dengvaxia? Have no fears. All our vaccines are fully tested by our special qualified researcher, Rainier Astupidillo. We found him outside on a highway overpass throwing stones at passing cars. But he was willing to be tested in exchange for a few “likes” on his Facebook page.
Having tested our vaccines, Astupidillo assures us they are absolutely safe, complying with the internationally accepted standard known as “I’m still alive.” He’s currently recuperating in our stock room, and adds that he doesn’t see any problems living with the shiny bright red tentacles he seems to have suddenly developed.
Now take a look at the fine vaccines our company offers:
1. WINVAXIA – Do you have onion-like skin? Want to speak like a crude oaf but your sense of decorum is getting in the way? This is the vaccine for you. It protects you against speaking politely. It suppresses that ridiculous “disente” factor which inhibits garbage speech. One dose and soon you’ll be shouting “ulol” and “gago” like the neighborhood drunk (this might already be you ). This vaccine is crucial if you’re allergic to criticism and plan to be a senator, or a president.
Side effects: Excessive bowel movement of the mouth, swollen tandems, hollow blocks, empathy with fish
2. DICKVAXIA – Are you worried about any outbreaks of dangerous investigations, such as EJK Probes? Are you suffering from a bad case of investigations of drug smuggling in Customs? Have yourself inoculated with Dickvaxia. One shot of this and you will suddenly start talking about yourself nonstop, boring everybody to death, clearing the room. and stopping all investigations dead in their tracks.
Side effects: double chin, triple elbows, flatulent speech, foghorn voice, braying donkeys
3. REVGOVVAXIA – Afflicted with a bad case of democracy? Suffering from too many freedoms? Revogovvaxia is the vaccine for you. It acts instantly to suppress dangerous democratic symptoms such as free speech, free elections, press freedom. human rights and constitutional protections. It boosts your strength so you can develop a mailed fist, which is also useful for grabbing loot.
Side effects: troll infestation in your armpit and groin area; outbreak of purulent usecs and asecs, grasping tentacles, ballooning plunder
4. MAHARLIKAVAXIA – Afraid of getting a bad case of the truth and facts about the Marcoses? Are you scared you will lose your lovely delusions about them? Take this vaccine – it will protect you against honesty, books, reports, evidence, eyewitness reports, statistical studies and data, blotting your memory so you can continue loving the Marcoses while drooling in your sleep. Take several shots and attain the zero IQ level needed to be a true loyalist.
Side effects: weepy navel, outbreak of simpletons, excessive drooling, bug eyes, tendency to sing like Imelda, compulsion to sell overpriced substandard coffee mugs