According to official China spokesperson Rodrigo Duterte, "there's no need to be greedy, there is more than enough Philippines to go around."
"Equal shares with equal brothers," he added.
The spokesperson said China was making the "generous offer in the light of the extra warm relations between our countries." The announcement came after the two countries signed a
groundbreaking agreement called the "Extra Close Special Luv Kiss Kiss" treaty.
Part of the agreement will see the Philippines receiving billions of yuan in loans, a national railway called the China's Durable Railroad (CDR) and fentanyl.
"We particularly value the fentanyl," said a Filipino diplomat who asked not to be identified.
The Philippines promises (among other things) to stop using the name "West Philippine Sea" (WPS) and instead adopt the "proper nomenclature" - "Very Much China's Sea Oh Yes Indeedy" (VMCSOYI).
China, for its part, will invest heavily in the Philippines and buy more products such as bananas, copies of the Duterte Manifesto, and Filipino entertainment series. One Chinese politician said, "China would like to the rights to that famous comedy show, 'The Senate Hearings.' It's a big hit in Beijing."
Chinese officials "strenuously" denied rumors the Philippines had actually turned itself over to China, which officially responded with a statement, "Awww you shouldn't have, but thanks."
"That is clearly nonsense," one Beijing diplomat assured. "What's ours is ours and what's yours is ours."
China announced that on this historic occasion, as a sign of its "fraternal ties" with Manila, China would waive all fees to Filipinos swimming on the beaches off Lingayan.
"Offer valid for summer only, terms may apply," a Chinese official said, off the record.
A senior Chinese leader told a press conference, "and if you're extra good and well behaved, we'll even let you share the resources of Benham Rise."
Told by one reporter that Benham Rise is on the Pacific side of the Philippines, well outside the South China Sea, the Chinese leader made a cutting motion on his throat and the reporter was dragged away screaming.
"Next question please," the official said.
Spokesperson Duterte expressed confidence that with "mutual confidence and more hard work" Manila would acknowledge China's "indisputable" rights to the Pacific Ocean, the North Pole, the aurora borealis and the Moon.
Philippine diplomats declared the country was more than prepared to assert its rights in the strongest ways, which would follow two tracks: the first would consist of "strong declarations" made in the "loudest possible whisper" in a deep dark basement in Malacañang Palace.
"With the door closed and the lights out," one undersecretary stressed.
The second track would consist of shooting more Filipinos.
"Why not, we've been very successful at it," the undersec shrugged.
Beijing said it was "pleased" the agreement frees the Philippines from the "onerous" job of defending territory, letting it focus on really crucial priorities, such as training more world class professional boxers to become idiot senators.
In fact, spokesperson Duterte said, "China doesn't see what the Philippines needs a military for. Get rid of that thing. Nothing to defend."
A junketing member of the Philippine delegation said the agreement was a "win-win" because "this will avoid an unnecessary bloody war."
"Because as we all know, the only way you settle territorial disputes is by bloody war. It says so right here in the "Duterte Manual of Negotiation and Tokhang."
The Philippine delegation said it was "overcome with gratitude" for Beijing's generosity.
"On behalf of the Philippines we thank you," Philippine president Rodrigo said.
"You're welcome", China spokesperson Duterte replied.