Don't limit stem cells for Congressmen

Mon, 07/01/2013 - 08:00
 
 
Congressmen should be allowed to have themselves injected with "gallons" of stem cells, a "medical expert" declared yesterday.
 
According to Dr. Krietz von Poltroon, "government attempts to regulate stem cells are futile! Doomed to failure! You will never escape, Batman. Never! Muwahaha!"
 
He then said, "excuse me", before proceeding to inject himself with a viscous green fluid extracted from a small grubby bottle.
 
"Ahhh, there, so much better", he said in a calmer voice seconds later.
 
Speaking in his plush bunk room serving as his clinic at a backpacker hostel in Mabini, von Poltroon denied stem cells were being administered by dubious "specialists."
 
"Some of them are prominent  -- they're wanted in at least four countries. You can't get any more famous than that."
 
Stem cell treatment caught public attention recently because of news that at least three congressmen died after receiving injections.
 
Government says it will strictly regulate the therapy, amid reports the deaths might have been caused by quack doctors, or the injection of fake stem cells.
 
Von Poltroon denounced the reports.
 
"Nonsense! It's perfectly safe. Listen to this testimonial I got from a satisfied patient: 'Dear Dr. Krietz von Poltroon, before I took your stem cell therapy, I beat up my wife twice a day. Thanks to your injections, I now beat her up three times a day. It really works! Signed happy Congressman.' "
 
When one reporter asked why von Poltroon's eyes kept darting nervously towards the door, he replied: "it's nothing, just a slight fiduciary disagreement with this hostel's management."
 
He claimed he has "strict guidelines" when treating congressmen.
 
"First, I never use stem cells taken from honest people. The rejection might be massive and fatal.
 
"Second, I don't bother using stem cells on congressmen to develop brains, balls or backbones, it's a waste of cells."
 
Anyway, von Poltroon said, Congressmen typically want stem cells for two things: "To live forever, and to strengthen their grips so they can hang on tightly to pork barrels."
 
He noted the "great developments" in the field.
 
"Some stem cells will give you superpowers. This vial will make you believe you're a prominent columnist. This one will grow surveillance cells right in your bloodstream, saving the National Security Agency the trouble of bugging your devices."
 
As the presscon ended, he whined, "say, do you happen to have any cigarettes on you? I'll give you a free stem cell injection, here's my calling card."
 
When alert reporters asked why his calling card said "Economist, Insurance Salesman, Bloviation Consultant and Exclusive Sales Rep of Imelda's Ukay-ukay and Tilapia Hauz", von Poltroon became agitated.
 
"Get out before I inject you with tilapia stem cells! I will get you, BATMAN!"
 
He was last seen rummaging through a dingy doctor's bag while talking to himself.
                                                           

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