To all our guests and visitors to the Asean summit, mabuhay! Welcome to Manila! Many of you are surely curious to know how our country is coming along under the new administration. For your convenience we have printed the following short pamphlet which we hope will address your main questions.
Visitor's Guide to Duterte's Glorious Philippines
Q: Who prepared this pamphlet?
A: The Department of Teorism
Q: What can I expect to see here in Manila?
A: Many things! Exciting things! Change is coming!
Q: I've heard so much about your new President
A: He's our sex idol. Did you know he was voted the best president in the Solar System? This is according to an utterly reliable source - a Facebook page.
Q: How do Filipinos look on him?
A: They see him as an inspiration.
Q: How does he inspire Filipinos?
A: Just recently he delivered a speech to the Boy Scouts where he inspired them to kill.
Q: Tell me about this program called Dutertenomics.
A: Anybody can understand this simple economic program. It consists of several phases: Kill kill kill - build - kill kill kill - build - kill kill kill - build - take fentanyl
Q: What can we expect from the new administration in this summit?
A: A daring diplomatic initiative which consists of giving China everything it wants. Then it will leave the country alone. Ha ha! Isn't that clever?
Q: Do you have any special cultural events planned?
A: A special troupe will give a demonstration of a Filipino martial art called "nanlaban style" where one man will use bare hands to fight a team of policemen.
Q: That sounds exciting. Will he defeat them?
A: No he'll wind up dead. They all do. Then the police will demonstrate THEIR technique, called "tanim droga at baril"
Q: What else is on the program?
A: If you're lucky, the President will give one of his trademark frank, freewheeling speeches. Make sure to bring valium. Fentanyl will be provided upon request.
Q: Can we ask embarrassing questions?
A: Hey, we're a pamphlet, do we look like we can be embarrassed?
Q: Is it true he's been charged with crimes against humanity?
A: This is incorrect because drug addicts are not human, according to Our Glorious Leader.
Q: Is it true the president murders people?
A: This is a lie and a canard put out by the world conspiracy consisting of the UN, EU, human rights groups, Amnesty International, NGOs, international media. Lies! All Lies!
Q: Is it true he eats people?
A: You know, we've had it with all these stupid accusations. Just because he said it doesn't mean it's true. We are sick sick SICK of the lies.
Q: I'm sorry.
Q: Are you OK now?
A: We guess so.
Q: If we run into your president, how should we behave?
A: Our president is simple and unpretentious. He scoffs at formalities and doesn't like being called "Excellency".
Q: What about "Prez"?
A: He might find that funny.
A: He won't mind.
Q: Poopy head?
A: We don't think so.
Q: His Murderousness?
A: Say, can we take a look at your passport for a minute?