Favorite yoga positions of the Duterte administration

Thu, 12/07/2017 - 11:36

by Alan Robles

Weeks ago, the ever reliable Stinking Pinoy News Network (SPNN) dropped a bombshell: a photo of the vice president DOING YOGA WITH A TRAINER RIGHT IN HER OFFICE. SPNN implied she used public funds for private lessons.

In fairness, the story had a minor problem - it was totally fake.The vice president was indeed taking yoga, but as part of a fitness program for her entire office, and the lessons were paid out of the pockets of the participants.

Dropped the ball there, Stinking Pinoy! Such a kidder, you.

But more important, you missed out on a REALLY GREAT story. Namely, did YOU know the Duterte administration is very much into yoga? Sure! Its members practice it when they can. In fact they have their very own unique set of exercises, which whistleblowers (alt-Malacañang) have kindly released to us.

Before we get into the exercises, do you know yoga stances are called ASANAS? They are best accompanied by MANTRAS - sacred chants to elevate awareness and harmonize spiritual energy. Yoga involves bending, twisting and using parts of the human anatomy some of which we can't mention in a family oriented publication. In keeping with our usual practice we will refer to these using code words, in this case, the handles of loyal Duterte trolls. We're sure they won't mind.

Got it? Great, let's start!

Andanar Asana

Sit on a chair. Inhale deeply, close your eyes, focus on your butt and tighten your @lloydCosmiano. Is it really good and tight? It should be closed so tight, you feel you're holding in all the foul icky @henry_paraiso lining your lower intestine. Hold that pose. Now, put your fingers under your chin. Stroke your chin. Breathe out slowly while repeating the mantra: "Om, si Andanar, asana?, Om, si Andanar, asana?

This pose is good for weakening the backbone until you are spineless.

Tokhang plank

You need a partner to do this properly. Lie down flat on your back. Elevate your head so that you can see your feet. If you're a guy you should be able to see your junalfuerte, unless it's a very small junalfuerte. Take a deep breath and hold it. Now wait for your partner to completely wrap you in tape.

This pose is good for getting your picture in the newspapers the next day.

Tanginaasana

Sit with your feet folded under you, hands on your knees. Inhale deeply. Exhale, lean forward and then make the most ferocious face you can, at the same time opening your mouth and shouting the following: Om P**** Na! Om P**** Na!

This pose is good for getting votes during an election.

Caution, if you do this too strenuously, your janpein might suppurate. If you do it wrong, you might want to have a certain kind of doctor examine your @Dagr2013 in case it's emitting pus and a foul odor

StinkingPinoy Asana

Find the nearest President Obosen. lie face down on the floor and start crawling toward Obosen as if you're a lizard. When you get to his feet, slowly rise (imagine you're a snake this time) making sure you do not touch his EnzoJr. Now, cling to President Obosen's legs like a leech. Make cooing, smacking, kissing slobbering sounds while chanting "Om mylabs". Don't let go. Even if he shoots you.

Warning: doing this asana wrong could severely loosen your @lagman_irene, with embarrassing results.

We actually don't know what this pose is good for.

 

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