Have you seen our volcano?

Fri, 02/02/2018 - 21:57

by Alan Robles

Volcanologists said yesterday they were at a loss to explain how the majestic and iconic Mayon Volcano suddenly relocated to another province.

The startling move was reported by the ever reliable, totally trustworthy and always truthful Assistant Secretary of Communications Mocha Uson, who this week said Mayon Volcano was erupting near Naga City in Camarines Sur province. This is about 80 kilometers northwest of Legazpi City in Albay province, where the distinctive volcano, renowned for its near-perfect symmetrical cone, has been otherwise sited for the last 20 million years or so.

"We're mystified," said one scientist who declined to be identified. "We see it, but where is it?"

According to sketchy reports, previously proud officials of Albay have started asking tourists "have you seen our volcano?" in a different tone of voice.

Ass Sec Uson's sensational report led to a wave of frenzied speculations about why Mayon suddenly displaced, and how.

Among the theories going around on social media: the volcano felt it was time for a change of scenery; it felt restless; it was tempted by a large signing bonus offered by Naga officials.

One far-fetched theory is that the mountain was kidnapped by reptoid aliens who are holding it hostage until Legazpi pays a hefty ransom.

"Those guys were always jealous of OUR volcano", one Legazpi resident said. "We want it back, you hear?"

Other improbable stories have the volcano undergoing fentanyl treatment, accepting an award from an alumni association in Manila, going to the palace in hopes of landing a cushy appointment and being accredited as a blogger in order to accompany the president on an official visit to India.

Among the ranks of the administration's cave trolls, there has been no doubt at all about the story and who is to blame.

"Of COURSE, we believe everything our beloved Mocha says," said one troll as he took a break from eating rocks. "The volcano clearly moved, and it's the fault of the dilawan." He said "yellow forces" probably hid the volcano to confuse the Ass Sec and didn't rule out the fact that the volcano itself was part of the conspiracy. "Ever notice how in the dark, when it erupts, Mayon is yellow?"

There has been no confirmation of reports that Uson plans to verify her report by going to Naga bringing along a "handpicked scientific team - nothing but the most respected vulcanizers."

Asked to comment on the Ass Sec's report, one scientist cautiously remarked: "Her heart is in the right place. The problem is, Mayon seems to be in the wrong place."

Another scientist said, "Whoever thought volcanoes wander? The implications of this could be enormous, it probably moves superstrings, quantum fluctuation and zero energy."

He added: "We definitely have to keep an eye on it in case it vanishes again.

"Or maybe, people should just stop reading that nitwit. What do you think? Wait, are you going to quote me?"

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