graphic from Fight Back
We at Shatweak, Schwindle & Troll Political Consultancy Inc understand your country has just acquired a brand-new dictator. Congratulations! Please take this brief questionnaire to help us determine if your new dictator meets strict international standards.
What best describes your dictator's appearance?
a. Clueless looking clumsy dweeb
b. A funeral casket full of melting wax and gristle
How many fake war medals and awards does your dictator claim?
Describe your dictator's character
a. Doesn't seem very bright
b. Evil genius
Describe the wife
a. No wife
b. Avarice on two legs
How much public wealth has your dictator plundered?
b. You want the figure in billions of dollars, or as a percentage of GDP?
Where are your dictator's political opponents?
a. On the street, yelling for his blood
b. On the street, lying in their blood
How many critics has your dictator locked up in secret safehouses?
b. Critics? What critics? We don't see any critics
Number of human rights victims?
a. A handful
b. "Number" as in "intact cadavers", or in mounds of indistinguishable body parts?
How does your dictator treat free speech rights?
a. Anybody can speak freely
b. Free speech rights? What free speech rights?
Legislative powers: how does your dictator pass laws?
a. Works with Congress
b. Writes them himself while the Supreme Court chief justice holds an umbrella over his head
BONUS QUESTION: What do you call someone who kept quiet when one president used vague powers to raid the budget like a pirate then complains bitterly when another president uses the same powers to try to benefit the country?
a. A comedian
b. A joker
SCORING: Take careful note of all your answers and post them on the Internet. If, after one day, you are still alive, we suspect your dictator may be defective. Seriously? He's probably a putz. We recommend you immediately trade this weak piss model for an upgrade. Try our new, improved Marcos II brand dictator, now packed with more lies and dollars!