Imagine if our Congressmen worked as call center agents?

Thu, 05/21/2009 - 08:00

By Alan Robles

originally published in May 2008

Many of us undoubtedly dream of the day when our politicians will make themselves useful, ideally by locking themselves in a large incinerator. Or failing that -- after all, if the incinerator was a government project you can bet it wouldn't function and would be the subject of a perpetual investigation -- they could go out and get real jobs.

But then when you think more about it more carefully, putting our politicians to work might not be in everybody's interest. Can you imagine what it would do to the industry if they were to become customer assistance call center agents?

Customer: Hello is this consumer help desk?

Agent: Call me "your honor"

Customer: Pardon?

Agent: You need to address me by my correct title

Customer: Er, your honor, I want to complain about this software that I'm trying to install...

Agent: Did I grant you permission to speak?

Customer: Say what?

Agent: Are you interpellating?

Customer: No, i'm here to ask for assistance

Agent: Is this in aid of legislation?

Customer: No it's my software, it won't run

Agent: Aha, an anomaly! Surely the work of members of the opposition who are as usual resorting to cheap politicking

Customer: Aren't you going to give me a service number? Agent: It depends. We might have to refer this to the appropriate subcommittee for voting Customer: I want to talk about my software problem Agent: This august body will deliberate the matter in closed session

Customer: Listen, listen, can you just put me through to your supervisor?

Agent: What do you mean?

Customer: I mean your boss, your chief, the person who orders you around, the one who gives you your money and tells you exactly what to do

Agent: Hold please

Transfers call

Supervisor: This is the executive branch

Customer: I'm having problems with this software I bought from you

Supervisor: We deny any responsibility for any killings and we're investigating the matter

Customer: What killings? I need help with your product and I'm not getting any from your customer agent

Supervisor: I'm sorry you feel that way, because we in this company are committed to bringing development and we don't believe in looking back only moving forward

Customer: I just need some help here with your product

Supervisor: First I want to apprise you of all our achievements in economic growth, human rights protection and everything else that is magnificent. Our company motto is "if it looks good on paper, we did it."

Customer: But...

Supervisor: Do you know that our boss anticipated the rice shortage, oil price increases, global warming and the cyclone in Burma and prepared plans for all of these? And also predicted the next eclipse as well as major sunspot activity?

Customer: I'm just trying to...

Supervisor: Nothing is beyond the ability of this leadership! Economics! Politics! Plate tectonics!


Supervisor: Let me pass you back to the lower house

Transfers call

Agent: We cannot entertain your initiative as we are about to go on a recess and fact finding missions with our families to Europe

Customer: Well, you know what? Screw you

Agent: That's "screw you, your honor"


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