by Alan Robles
Every week, usually late at night, Filipinos are treated to the inspiring words and thoughts of their beloved President Duterte. His speeches are always a big hit, followed keenly by a wide audience that includes the media, political analysts, diplomats, Duterte appointees, Duterte trolls, Duterte troll fake accounts, clinical psychologists and ward attendants.
Let's face it: who wouldn't want to give give speeches the way our glorious leader does? Anybody can do a clenched fist salute, but how many can ramble like that?
Well, we have good news for you: thanks to the handy dandy INSTANT DUTERTE SPEECHMAKER, you, too, can now compose your very own populist speech! There's nothing to it, simply read the text below, select the words (obscene gestures and spittle not included) suited to the occasion and voila - you'll sound just like our glorious leader!
Rant like a gangster boss. Feel what it's like to crash the economy, inflict headaches on loved ones, attract your very own crazed fanatics. Be the life (or death) of the party!
Note: As you know, our beloved leader loves using EXTREMELY NAUGHTY WORDS. To avoid having to mention these unprintables in this family-oriented publication, we are replacing them with euphemisms - code words that we feel are close to the original.
Note: Although this Duterte speech looks short, all you have to do is keep repeating it over and over until your audience's eyes glaze over. It is best delivered after consuming several bottles of beer, or a few milligrams of fentanyl, depending on the maniac level you want to achieve.
INSTANT DUTERTE SPEECH
Good evening my beloved fellow (Filipinos / Chinese / fentanyl users), tonight I am here to (tell / kill) you. I want to tell you that when I ran for this high office, I made many (serious / ridiculous) promises. I said I would solve crime. And corruption. And rice smuggling. And traffic. And abusive taxi drivers.
What have I fulfilled? Nothing! Do you know why? It's because of the (addicts / drug lords / oligarchs / dilawan / media) who have time and again stood in the way of change. GORDON THEM.
Now, let me tell you something. We face a serious threat to our country and society. We are waging a war against drugs. I will not be stopped. You know, I promised to fill Manila Bay with (corpses / Chinese fishing vessels) and I'm willing to do that, by God. And to all those talking about human rights? Mga PANELONGINANIYO. Who the ROQUE do you think you are?
We are a sovereign, God-fearing nation and you cannot tell us what to do with our country. I am only accountable to (God /Beijing). Hey, United Nations! CALIDANGINANYO. Huy US! PIMENTELYOU ka diyan. And to the EU, I only wish you come here so I can (slap / rape / shoot) you.
Now, about my vice president, do you know I want to (impeach / marry) her? That won't be a problem, even though I already have (a partner / Bongbong Marcos), because any man can have as many partners as he wants.
My fellow citizens, you all know (I am serious / two out of five statements I make are lies). You all know that, deep in my heart, I have nothing but the best interests of and love for the (Filipinos / Chinese).. And to show this I am willing to (kill / kill / kill). And I am counting on the police to (enforce the law / kill / kill / kill / kill). I don't care what the (addicts / drug lords / oligarchs / dilawan / media) because I only respect (the law / Hitler). CAYETANONGINA NILA LAHAT.
I am trying to change society and I cannot do this without (your help / millions of bodies), my beloved (Filipinos / fentanyl).
In conclusion, let me just say to all Filipinos who are not (addicts / drug lords / oligarchs / dilawan / media) that I stand here, ready to (defend / eat/ rape) you.