I'm your guide, Derma Dementa of MyLabs Tours, and I'm HAPPY to show you around my FABULOUS city. You've probably heard all those nasty fake reports about murders and killings and whatnot -- THEY ARE LIES! LIES! ALL LIES!
Oh, I'm sorry sir! I didn't mean to make you jump like that. Did I startle you? Here, let me pick up your glasses.
Are you all settled? Good. Before we start our tour, let me just say I'm so glad that as first-time visitors to my country, you arrived without having to go through THAT AWFUL SCAM in the airport where crooks would plant bullets in your luggage and then extort you. YES! No more "laglag bala" thanks to our GREAT DUTERTE GOVERNMENT! YAY! You are so lucky.
What's that, you say? You spent three hours sweating in crowded lines in immigration because there weren't enough personnel because most had resigned because they weren't getting paid?
WELL WHO WANTS TO KNOW YOUR OPINION BUSTER?
Oh, no, I'm sorry mam, for going off like that. Here, let me put your seat back in the upright position. There!
Let me tell you something about my company. We are a group of friends who are SICK AND TIRED of all the NEGATIVE PUBLICITY this country has been getting from LYING MEDIA so we pooled our money together and formed a small startup, Obosen Tours, so we can show foreigners the TRUTH.
I'd like to tell you what we'll see in this bus tour. We'll roll down the streets and find a city whose inhabitants are IN LOVE with our GREAT IDOL LEADER DUTERTE. We'll see how he's helped clean up crime and made our streets safer. AND YOU BETTER NOT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT OUR PRESIDENT BECAUSE HE HAS A HIGH POPULARITY RATING DO YOU HEAR? THE FOREIGN MEDIA ARE POISONING YOUR BRAINS!!!
Oh, I'm sorry sir, I raised my voice like that. You can stop cringing now. Are these your dentures?
During our tour, we will visit a variety of historic sites in Manila, all of them now thankfully crime free THANKS TO OUR GLORIOUS PRESIDENT'S SUCCESSFUL WAR ON DRUGS. And you can see for your own self how happy life is now in this city.
Excuse me? You're reading that magazine and it shows pictures of bodies lying in Manila's streets? Murdered by the police, you say? Ha ha. What murders? What corpses? Those aren't bodies, they're, uhm traffic obstacles.
Excuse me again? You're saying it says that women and kids have been murdered and our president says it's just collateral damage? Are you from Europe? Yes? Well GO BACK THERE AND WATCH YOUR CHILD PORN YOU DEGENERATE EU TOURISTS.
Furthermore, it is SO NOT TRUE that 8,000 have been murdered. It's MORE LIKE 2,000. AND THEY WERE VERY SMALL MURDERS, GOT IT? He might be a murdering bastard BUT HE'S MY MURDERING BASTARD, DO YOU HEAR?
Driver, why are we still in the hotel parking lot? Hey, where'd all our passengers go? They've left? This is all the work of the LIBERAL PARTY! An ELITIST CONSPIRACY! DIGONG MY LABS! MARRY ME!
The tour will be resumed after massive sedation.