by Alan Robles
The government information office yesterday said it has been taking the fight against fake news "to a new level" by recruiting creatures from Advanced Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual.
"We discovered early on that fake news is created by creatures called 'trolls', so what better way to counter such monsters than by employing our own fiends"? said Ass Sec Grishnakh of the Presidential Communications and Operations Office (PCOO).
"We've actually been implementing this policy for some time now, but kept it under wraps", he said.
"We're only announcing it officially because of complaints about this administration's hiring policy."
According to Grishnak: "There have been pointed questions raised, questions such as, and I quote, 'JESUS CHRIST HOW DID THAT REPTOID GET A POSITION IN THE PCOO?'
"The answer is, that reptoid is found under LIZARDFOLK in the Monster Manual, and is described as 'primitive reptilian humanoids that can be very dangerous if provoked.' That reptoid is needed in the war on fake news."
He admitted PCOO's hiring policy was "unorthodox" but defended it by explaining, "we need our own trolls! and orcs! and goblins! GRISHNAKH WANT MORREEEEEE!
"Excuse me, where was I?"
He said "we sort of bypassed the Civil Service regulations in drawing up new categories of employees and their duties." The PCOO's table of employees, he noted, now contains positions such as GOBLIN, HOBGOBLIN and ORC.
"We'd like it to be the kind of initiative open to talents, where an ORC 1 can, through hard work, screaming and looting, rise to ORC 11, where he gets to be an ASS SEC like me, after beating me in combat."
Grishnakh said recruitment has been very successful. "We are pleased to say we have filled up a lot of positions - we never knew there were so many unemployed orcs and goblins, especially from the Getreph and Maharlika primitive and stupid cave tribes. We still have so many gollum types outside begging, cringing and groveling to get in. You'd almost wish you could throw them all into the fiery pit of Mount Mayon.
"But the volcano seems to have disappeared."
The official noted, "in two years, we've scored hiring successes: a MEDUSA (six hit dice. +2 on Initiative) GORGON, HAG and a SUCCUBUS (Armor Class 20). We even got a HOWLER and a GIBBERING MOUTHER. (Special Attack spittle, blood drain). I'd introduce you to them but they rarely show up for work, too busy junketing, talking to taho vendors, etc."
Grishnakh recalled,"an Ochre Jelly turned up, but we already had too many spineless blobs occupying a lot of space uselessly.
"So we just referred it to Congress."
Asked how the program has worked out, Grishnakh said "our Witch King Andamar, and our Lord the Mouth Orcque are very happy, and consider it well worth the hundreds of millions of taxpayers' money."
When one reporter pointed out that fake news doesn't seem to have been suppressed, Grishnakh replied: "That's the thing, the amount of fake news seems to have increased. This only means we're going to have to keep recruiting more monsters."
Told that, in fact, numerous investigations have pointed to the administration and the PCOO as the main source of fake news, the Ass Sec bristled and said, "oh come on, that's fake news!"
Brandishing a large hollow block, he threatened to "crush reportersss."
Calling an end to the press conference, Ass Sec Grishnak said he and Ass Secs Muzgash, Orcobal and Shelob had to go back to work, identifying other places they could travel to for free.
He said, "Ass Sec Ugluk was supposed to explain all this to you, but we had a disagreement early this morning, so I ate him."