Saving the crook industry

Thu, 12/07/2017 - 10:55
by Alan Robles 

Some weeks back, an editor friend went to a Quezon City address and parked his bicycle, chaining and locking it to a post. When he came back an hour later, he discovered he could no longer free his bike. A thief had tried to pick the lock, failed, but ended up jamming the lock. The editor had to find a hammer to break the chain.

I don't know about you but for me this incident rings alarm bells. Think carefully about the serious problem it calls attention to.

That's right: the quality of our crooks is deteriorating.

Imagine that, a bike thief with an hour to work, flubbing something as basic as picking a lock. It's a disgrace. OK, granted the thief might have been unskilled, but surely he had a mobile phone (every shady character seems to have one, just look at the Marcos and Duterte trolls) and he could have watched a few instructional videos.

The sad fact is many crooks are putting in very shoddy work nowadays. Earlier this month, an aspiring crook tried stealing a motorcycle, jumped aboard and zoomed off, only to be immediately run down and killed by a car driven by the bike owner's irate relative. Just like that, at the snap of a finger, because a crook wasn't fully trained, the world was deprived of a criminal who could have gone on to greater professional heights - city councilor at the very least.

And what about that story of two senior policemen in Mindoro who shot and killed an anti-crime activist only to be ignominiously caught. They were forced to disclose their identities to arresting law enforcers. Bumbling clowns. 

And while we're at it, let's talk about those police officers who allegedly kidnapped and killed a Korean businessman, extorted ransom and flushed the victim's ashes down the toilet. They still got caught. And they were police superintendents, mind you, which in gaming terms is probably equivalent to 10th level brigand.

Some people might recall the time when the Philippines stood proud in the criminal industry: during the time of Ferdinand Marcos, our very leader was master of crime and he had a stellar array of crooks under him.

Know what? I blame the Internet. It's created a generation of self-entitled lazy wannabe criminals. Temperamental brats who don't put in the time training for their profession. Many just want to take the easy route, setting up blogs, tweeting, going on Facebook or hiring themselves out as trolls to politicians, expecting that they'll automatically rise high in their criminal careers, probably with cushy positions in Malacañang Palace. Where, because they didn't put in hard work, they'll STILL get caught, probably busted for crudely asking for high commissions.

We need to take instant action to save our criminal industry. I suggest this government authorize the immediate creation of a full blown educational program, and set up the school to be called MIT - Magnanakaw Institute of Training. It will teach basic ABCs - Armed Robbery, Banditry and Conmanship. There'd be courses in lockpicking and petty theft. Top graduates could qualify to become congressmen.

And we know just who would endow this, yes? But of course: the Marcoses. They can kick in some of that $10 billion their dad stole from the country.

Of course, they probably won't agree to share, so what we really need to do is find somebody who can break into their house and get the key to their international bank vault. It's probably in Imelda's girdle. Don't forget to bring a gas mask.

 

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