What the PNP needs to do: hold a beauty contest

Thu, 12/07/2017 - 11:15

by Alan Robles

Times are bad for the Philippine National Police (PNP). It's being linked to the wave of extra-judicial killings (EJKs) that's victimized thousands, as well as human rights violations. Last year, two police inspectors were arrested shortly after they murdered an anti-crime activist. This year, senior officers in central headquarters were implicated in the kidnap, ransom and strangling of a Korean businessman. This week, a superintendent who used to head a crime lab was caught doing drugs.

Things don't look good. Morale is low, discipline is shaky. Drastic measures seem to be called for. Can anything be done?

Yes, of course! Springing into action, PNP's higher-ups have announced a BEAUTY CONTEST for female police officers.

Exactly what the situation calls for, right? Now now, no need to be shy about it, you rascally policemen you -- deep in your hearts, you know nothing lifts police spirits more than the sight of female bods sashaying in tight and skimpy outfits. Of COURSE it should be policewomen... young, sexy, nubile policewomen. Because who wants to see a beauty pageant of policeMEN? Can you imagine PNP commander Ronald "Bato" dela Rosa in a bikini? That might push demoralization right over into full-scale depression. Or rioting. With lots of screaming.

But wait: we caution the PNP -- don't treat this as a mere flesh feast. A police beauty contest should have relevance. The candidates, rather than simply sauntering in tight shirts, shorts and swimsuits, should also compete on brains and abilities. Here's our suggested plan. Test the contestants on skills related to the PNP's current war on drugs.

For instance, police officers should be capable of rapidly assessing situations in order to make crucial decisions. Contestants should show their proficiency in the following skills:

- How to spot a fentanyl addict and make sure it's not the President;

- How to profile a violent personality and make sure it's not the President;

- How to detect a foul-mouthed arrogant braggart and make sure it's not the President.

And once the contestant has established it's not the President, the contestant can demonstrate her proficiency in shooting the suspect.

This could be immediately followed by a high-speed, tape-wrapping competition, where each contestant will show how fast she can bundle up a body.

Another category? Mobile operations. Pair the contestants and let each team ride a motorcycle. While one shows her skill in driving at high speed, the partner behind shoots at specific targets. Then one of the two can demonstrate their dexterity by throwing sachets of shabu and a gun near the target.

During the finals, the remaining contestants will get the chance to show their brainpower in solving problems like, "what do you get when you divide 8,000 bodies by eight months?" (the correct answer is "there's no such thing as extrajudicial killings.") 

Then on to the climax of the contest, where each finalist will be asked to give an extemporaneous speech on topics such as "Why My President is the Greatest and Should Declare Martial Law"; "Why Democracy is Dangerous and Requires Martial Law"; and, "Why I want world peace and Martial Law."

The prizes? The runner-up will be proclaimed "Miss Tokhang" and will receive a brand new oxygen concentrator from Malacañang, and four years' supply of packing tape. 

The winner will be proclaimed "Miss Obosen" and will get a year's supply of fentanyl, a full-size autographed picture of General dela Rosa and the Palace position of her choice. If she waits a bit, she might even be made assistant secretary in social welfare. That position is expected to become vacant soon.

 

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