Be my Valentine: our suggested gifts for the power elite

Mon, 01/25/2010 - 00:00
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ass kisser gum

Which bigshot doesn't like being brown-nosed? The soft, comforting feeling of labial laudation, of asinine acclamation, of toothsome toadying. The glow that comes from the knowledge somebody is rooting in your nether regions.

What you might not know is that lickspittles working their higher-ups' lower-downs are human too. True, you might not realize this looking at some assistant secretaries, appointees and columnists, especially at the way they're able to bend as if they had no spines. But trust us, they suffer too. All that bottom work can leave a bad taste and distinct odor.

Now, for a change, here's a Valentine's treat the power elite can give to their apple polishers and doormats. Brighten their day with Ass Kisser Chewing Gum. Its tangy rich cinammon flavor will clean up their gamey olfactory signature, leaving them feeling fresh for the next session of simpering.

Show that you care. After all, everyone knows this country's power elite are warm and loving leaders, solicitous of the welfare of their fellows, having nothing but the best interests of the country at heart {{Citation needed}}

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