Be my Valentine: our suggested gifts for the power elite

Mon, 01/25/2010 - 00:00
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coin operated columnist

Because how can you claim to be one of the power elite --unless you have your very own columnist?

A coin-operated columnist isn't just a status symbol, it's indispensable for elections, corruption investigations and just about every political occasion. Need someone attacked? A candidate labelled autistic? Why, your coin-operated coumnist will be right on the case, dispensing with complicated procedures such as research or fact-checking. Who needs facts when your coin-operated columnist can make stuff up for you on the spot? Need your administration defended? No problem. Coin-operated columnists to the rescue! Do you want to be described as "righteous", "moral", "strong", "intelligent" and "compassionate"? A coin-operated columnist will spew this all out without barfing. You might need to steel their nerve by giving them or their spouses high-paying government posts.

Operating your coin-operated columnist is easy-peasy, no manual needed! Simply deposit a lot of coins and your columnist will spring frenziedly and obediently into action. Coin-operated columnists perform AC/DC. Some are available as package deals -- buy the columinist, get a free newspaper office. Be aware "newspaper" might be only a rough description of what you'll get.

Because some models of coin-operated journalists are old and rusty, you might need to hit them hard on the heads to get the lizard oil in their systems flowing. But even if coin-operated columnists are slow and stupid you can be sure their hearts are in the right place-- locked away in a safety deposit box far far away.

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