Be my Valentine: our suggested gifts for the power elite

Mon, 01/25/2010 - 00:00
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ultimate earthmover

Catering to warlords looking for the last word in backhoes, the Gigantor line of earthmovers is designed to really fling that dirt.

Warning: you might not be able to stuff this into a heart shaped cardboard box.

Need massacre victims' bodies buried lickety-split? Vehicles crushed and packed along with the corpses? No problemo! Unlike your garden variety provincial-issue backhoe, the Ultimate Earthmover will never run out of gas or oil in the middle of delicate proceedings. In fact, what you might have to worry about is that you'll run out of things to bury.

We hear you thinking: "I'll never find a warehouse big enough to hide this mother." Simple: your boss and his clan can LIVE in it This monster practically has "WARLORD - YOU WANNA MESS WID ME?" written all over it. You can probably build a mansion inside. You can declare independence with it.

Outfit this baby with gun ports, turrets and missile batteries (maybe someone can give you the SAM battery suggested earlier). The antiaircraft fire can take down any snooping military recon aircraft and THEN you can bury the aircraft along with your victims. And then you can bury the whole province. Because you feel like it.

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