How to raise trapos

Thu, 10/07/2004 - 00:00
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reprinted from Pilipinas 2.0 magazine, May 2004

Every mother has ambitions for her kids. But are you sure you have the right goals? We're not talking here of anything ordinary or run of the mill, like seeing your child win the Nobel Prize, or even becoming a finalist in "Survivor."

No, we're talking about something much more crucial than that, we're talking of a question that holds the key to your children's future, a question you should spend late nights tormenting yourself with.

The question, of course, is: "How do I raise my child to become a traditional politician?"

Hey! Where are you going? We have a crucial issue to discuss here.The newspapers are full of stories of parents who raised their kids to become trapos and went on to retire as highly respected figures in the underworld Are you forgetting all the goodies that come with being related to a trapo? Your child gets a miraculous barrel o'pork with which he or she can distribute loaves, fishes, condos and safehouses to relatives, friends and mistresses and boyfriends. He or she gets to give government positions to any and all relatives. As part of the family, YOU can travel all over the world for free, "in aid of legislation", bringing at least 24 pieces of luggage (not counting the container van) without even eliciting a raised eyebrow from customs officials at Ninoy International. In fact they'll help you move the bags.

And imagine - when you go to restaurants (which you can treat yourself to using public funds) and feel you're shabbily treated by the maitre d' , you won't even need to rustle up a gun to shoot up the place, you'll have your very own goons who'll do it for you.

Best of all…get this: you can avail of all these perks while claiming you're serving the public! Does it get any better? You can see right here why a tradpol is an exciting career track in this country - more lucrative and rewarding even than pyramid salesman or televangelist. Once your son or daughter becomes a trapo, you're set for life. You won't ever think of leaving the Philippines. Of course, your child might make others emigrate in disgust.

So how do you start preparing your children for this exciting career? With lots of motherly care, devotion and thought. Money helps. So does ruthlessness. And if you were to sing off-key karaoke songs to them every night, you'd eventually put them into the sociopathic frame of mind so needed to becoming at least a congressman. This is what Imelda Marcos did with her kids.

You might think that it takes a certain kind of person to become a trapo, with the word "person" in this case being somewhat loosely defined. Why, looking at the current crop of trapos (and if you think by "crop" here we mean a "season's yield of cultivated plants" then we'd like to apologize in advance to all cultivated plants) - looking at them, you might get the idea that in order to be a trapo you have to be hateful, shallow and stupid. Don't you believe it. You have to be sneaky, avaricious and hypocritical as well.

Are you up to molding your kids for the job? Sure you are. Remember, the newspapers - and we specifically have in mind here the crime pages - are full of stories of parents who raised their kids to become trapos and went on to retire as highly respected figures in the underworld.

In this article we will give you a few really short tips that will help your parenting get on track to racing a successful trapo. Think of this as something like all those "how to" stories you find in those racy lifestyle glossies ("25 Ways To Drive Your Gerbil Wild"). Only in this case what we're saying is true. So are you ready?

Do you believe that just because your child isn't a Filipino he's automatically disqualified from public office in the Philippines? Nothing could be further from the truth! Any nationality can run for any public office in the Philippines. All a candidate needs is gumption, popularity and a big mob that he can summon to surround the Supreme Court with.

Nationality is not an issue in Philippine elections; in fact when you look at the
politicians we have, you'd be led to believe that the field isn't just open to any nationality - it's also open to any roughly carbon-based life-form!

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