Osama bin laden's many faces

Mon, 01/25/2010 - 00:00
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This month, the US Federal Bureau of Investigation used what it called "cutting-edge forensic, biometric,and technical capabilities" to construct an image of what arch-terrorist Osama bin-Laden might look like today. Hey, after all, it's not as if the world's maddest muj has time to send authorities his updated mugshots (or is it mujshots). Not when he's too busy hiding in caves going through the season's latest offerings in exploding underwear ("a leather thong is the new black, it makes a statement, what do you think Ali?")

Anyway, the FBI's technicians took this image of bin Laden dated 1998...

Ugly ain't he

...applied some high-technology computer chops to trim his facial hair and remove that unsightly head gear; retouched the image to "age-progress" the man...

And -- voila! -- they came up with this:

Behold the new/old bin Laden: minus the scraggly beard, less one turban, a bit grayer. The image soon found its way to the US State Department's "Rewards for Justice" site.

Where somebody soon noticed one thing about ver. 2010 of the world's most infamous terrorist: he sure looked an awful lot like this Spanish politician, Gaspar Llamazares.

Looks familiar

Well, folks, turns out the FBI's idea of "cutting edge" is cutting the edge of a photo swiped off the intertubes and pasting it on another picture. When the Spaniard found out his hair and forehead had been taken over by bin Laden courtesy of the FBI, he did not think it was either funny or accidental. Llamazares happens to be a member of the anti-American Spanish communist party, so he can be forgiven for presuming the feds had a world of hurt planned for him if he ever tried to travel ("Per favor -- Señor will permit us to see his thong's color?")

So muttering darkly, the State Department had to take down the adjusted photo and put up a boring old one. But we say NO. It doesn't have to be this way. In fact, using our own sophisticated technology, and (we swear) a minimal intake of alcohol, we in Hot Manila have managed to solve this problem. We have generated not ONE, but SEVEN possible Osama bin Laden images for the authorities to look at.

We believe these are the kinds of high quality images the FBI would have produced, if their technician hadn't been too busy downloading porn or episodes of CSI.

One request: when somebody uses these images to help catch the villain and collect the US $25 million reward, spare a thought for the experts on this site who set you on the trail, OK? Better yet spare a couple of thou, we don't be that proud to refuse.


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