Presenting: the Explanation Generator

Mon, 11/13/2000 - 00:00

Stung by the overwhelming negative publicity, our beloved administration responds to the growing criticism with a bold new initiative...

Pressed Secretary: We've asked our friends in the media to come here today so we can unveil our latest bold new initiative in response to the growing criticism...

THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE

Pressed Secretary: Wait, hang on, I haven't even unveiled anything yet.

THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE

Pressed Secretary: Will somebody turn off that Thunderous Applause machine?

Gunshot, followed by small explosion

Pressed Secretary: Thank you, General. As I was saying, we've invited you all over here to see our latest bold new response to the critics of this administration. We are proud indeed to introduce you to our project...

Assistant Pressed Secretaries wheel in a huge machine

Pressed Secretary: May I present the Explanation Generator. Mark 1...

News Bunny: (Simper) But what does it do sir?

Pressed Secretary: What does it do? See this press clipping about the President? Go ahead, read it out loud

News Bunny: Er.."the President is corrupt"?

Explanation Generator: Buzz, click. THAT IS AN OLD STORY

News Bunny: That's amazing!

Pressed Secretary: That's just a warmup. Go ahead, say anything critical about the President

News Bunny: The President is up to his thick neck in illegal gambling

Explanation Generator: Buzz, click. THAT IS PARACHUTE JOURNALISM

Reporter: The President's refusal to step down is contributing to the country's economic crisis

Explanation Generator: Buzzen clicken, THAT IS COLONIAL BIAS

Pressed Secretary: You see,we've been hearing so much of the same old thing, there are so many articles critical of the president and we were getting tired responding to all the accusations that we decided to basically automate the process

News Bunny: That's amazing!

Reporter: Hey Explanation Generator! What about the rumor that a young reporter who gave the President good coverage before the elections was appointed a publisher in a government newspaper and the paper's now bankrupt?

Explanation Generator: Buzzen clicken, THAT IS POOR RESEARCH

Reporter: What about the gossip that the President has divided the economy among his mistresses?

Explanation Generator: Buzzen clicken, THAT IS AN OLD STORY

Reporter: Hey it's beginning to repeat itself

Pressed Secretary: Wait...

Explanation Generator: (begins to play music) MAGTANIM AY DI BIRO...

News Bunny: Wow! It's even singing "Planting Rice"!

Pressed Secretary: We thought that would be a nice multimedia touch

News Bunny: It sings better than the President

Pressed Secretary: We feel that with the Explanation Generator to take care of criticism, we in government can concentrate on the really important tasks, such as setting up foundations for deserving gambling lords, este, poor people

Reporter: Hey, how about this article: the President is the greatest chief executive the country has ever known and is working with the welfare of the people in mind...

Explanation Generator: Buzzen clicken,THAT IS POOR RESEARCH, THAT IS COLONIAL RESEARCH, THAT IS PARACHUTE JOURNALISM

Pressed Secretary: Hmm, heh-heh, there seems to be something wrong with the programming (hits machine several times)

News Bunny: But tell us, sir, how did you come up with this machine?

Pressed Secretary: Simple. we just hired some students from a local computer school owned by a close Presidential friend. It only cost us a billion dollars too

News Bunny: Er, did you say, computer school?

Explanation Generator: I LOVE YOU

Pressed Secretary: Come again?

Explanation Generator: YES COME. COME INTO MY ARMS YOU OPPORTUNISTIC MOTOR MOUTH YOU. I LOVE YOU.

News Bunny: Oh no! It's been infected by the ILOVEYOU virus!

Explanation Generator: (Rolls towards Pressed Secretary) THAT IS POOR RESEARCH, COLONIAL BIAS, PARACHUTE JOURNALISM...I LOVE YOU...LET ME FORMAT YOUR HARD DRIVE...

Pressed Secretary Nooo! Stop! get away from me! yahhh! run for your lives!

Exit pursued by Explanation Generator Mark 1

News Bunny: Wow! It even moves faster than the President

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