Quick n' EZ political excuses

Sat, 01/20/2001 - 00:00

So you made a slight miscalculation. You supported a certain person and irritated millions of people. Well, doesn't everyone make mistakes? Must you undergo plastic surgery or walk around with your head in a bag the rest of your life? Does this mean the end of your career? All that money spent in the last election down the drain? Why, you even hocked your relatives didn't you?

Don't despair. No need to panic. You can redeem your relatives. We are happy to remind you that there are time-tested ways of dealing with bad luck. Here in this very document you're reading, we've prepared our Quick and EZ List of Political Excuses. Expertly written and clearly organized, these excuses will do wonders in saving your hide! Will they work? Just ask all the cronies, coup plotters, murderers and jueteng lords who've used it! These are tried and tested excuses.

What's amazing is, we're offering it to you ABSOLUTELY FREE. Yes, feel free to use our tips at NO OBLIGATION WHATEVER. It is our public service.

Except, ahem, of course, in case, your know, in case you're cleaning out your closet to get rid of the evid -- este, junk -- and you find nice thick useless wads of cash, why we'd be happy to put them in storage for you!

Now, prepare yourself: start memorizing your way to a whole new happy political life! A little drama, a little sniffing and you're clear!

SENATOR JUDGE: I was just following the law when I moved to block the evidence. You know, the law clearly states that a senator judge can sleep for four straight hours in a session, wake up, vote "no" and then go back to sleep. My, that's a nice dress/suit/tie you're wearing! And hey, did I tell you about my deep love of country and the people? Wait! Come back!

ANOTHER SENATOR JUDGE: Now I'm aware that you MIGHT have heard me say the word "mob" but I think that was a TV malfunction because what I really meant to say was "voice of the people." You heard me say "mob"? Really? Well it was actually a secret code used by us logicians, you know. "Mob" actually means "beautiful,kind and merciful people." I had to resort to code because they were holding my family hostage, threatening to suffocate them with thick useless wads of cash.

ONE MORE SENATOR JUDGE: Did I say you were staring at me provocatively? Of course not, mga hijas and kind friends. I was just trying to introduce a note of drama in the dull proceedings. I hope you don't mind ha, bruha? I mean, hija? Does that mean I get to becomea judge at the United Nations? You know how fond I am of institutions. Why I'm positively institutionalized! Oops gotta go know, it's time for my medication.

A RADIO ANNOUNCER: Bayad lang, walang personalan. Ehe, ano bang nasabi ko, trabaho lang pala. Trabaho lang, walang isipan. Diyos ko, sira! Sira ang mike! Technician! Tulong!

YET ANOTHER SENATOR JUDGE: Opo, yes, it LOOKED like I was dancing for joy, but the truth is I was touching one of the other senator judges and his overcoat had so much static electricity I suffered an electric shock! So it LOOKED like I was dancing! But actually, I tell you, I blacked out! And when I woke up why we had this new and wonderful government!

CABINET OFFICIAL: Today, I woke up to the realization that the President had lost the confidence of the people. I also realized there was nobody else at the cabinet meeting

A LOCAL GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: You know I've joined this uprising because it's not just a matter of being anti-administration or anti-president. It's also a matter of being pro me.

A DEFENSE LAWYER: I'm sorry I can't be reached. I'm a recording. I'm actually taking my annual vacation which I scheduled six months ago. I have to go to the Bermudas. Bye!

SAME SENATOR JUDGE: Yes, I KNOW it LOOKED like I was dancing for joy, but you know I was just happy that I had saved the national economy! You know I was just on the phone talking to my bank manager and he told me the money I was paid was safe! Whee!

CABINET OFFICIAL: I was trying to join the rally but I COULDN'T find any black shirt! Imagine that! Our laundress had put all of my black shirts in the garage! I spent three days looking for one. Anyway I'm really with all of you in your patriotic struggle. Right? Right? A DEFENSE LAWYER: Objection your honor! What? There's no more trial? Why didn't anybody wake me up? What do you mean you thought I was dead?

SENATOR JUDGE: Yes, I KNOW it LOOKED like I was dancing for joy...

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