Famous recipes from Martial Law

Mon, 03/07/2016 - 22:20
 
Recently, a Filipino cooking page on Facebook started spouting pro-Marcos gibberish and linked to the "top 10 establishments built under the Marcos regime."
 
You'd think that by "establishments" a cooking page would mean "resto", or "auberge" or even "carinderia", but no, it turns out it means "buildings". And the list isn't even complete - it doesn't mention the millions in sleazy kickbacks and commissions the Marcoses got for each project.
 
Anyway, what the FB page did is just plain WRONG. It's wrong because if you're a Filipino food recipe page, you shouldn't talk about Martial Law's construction projects: you should give examples of famous recipes from the dictatorship. Don't know any of those recipes? Well, lucky for you, those who experienced Martial Law do. Here are a few.
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Pinekeng Ambush ala Enrile
(one of Ferdinand Marcos' personal favorites)
 
Ingredients:
 
one Enrile
one car (driver optional)
goons
automatic weapon
 
Procedure:
1. Take the car. Separate it from Enrile until your Enrile is very far from the car
2. Have car drive down the road.
3. Take the automatic weapon and shoot the car 500 times, peppering it well
4. Serve hot
5. Declare martial law
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Madame Imelda's Turo-Turo Espesyal
(this is a treasured secret of the Marcos family, so precious it was locked up in one of their illegal Swiss bank vaults but we managed to fish it out).
 
Ingredients
one Imelda
jewels
shoes
businesses
penthouses
condos
NYC department stores
 
Procedure
1. Take the Imelda and have her waddle near the other ingredients pointing to them while saying "that's mine".
2. Get out of the way before she grabs you too
3. Eat in a turo-turo. That's all you'll be able to afford after Madame Imelda is finished.
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Pinaupong Bongbong
(this is a comfort dish you prepare when you feel you have to stay abroad for a while because you were chased out of the country)
 
Ingredients
one telco company, preferably Philcomsat
one Bongbong
 
Procedure
1. Get the Bongbong and seat him in the telco company
2. Make sure the telco company secretly sends most of its earnings to an account abroad
3. Using the money in that account, eat in any fancy expensive restaurant in the world.. With the amount of stolen money, you can do this everyday for 200 years.
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Nakaw Na Yaman ala Conjugal
 
Ingredients
one dictator
one dictator's wife
one william saunders
one jane ryan
several billion dollars
 
Procedure
1. Milx all the ingredients well until you can produce several fake foundations
2. Divide into equal portions and store in Swiss banks
3. It will be ready after 30 years
4. Eat like pigs
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Plunder ala King
(the signature recipe of the regime)
 
Ingredients
technocrats
foreign loans
behest loans
cronies
 
Procedure
1. Take the technocrats and remove their spines
2. Use them to secure foreign loans
3. Stuff them with behest loans
4. Cook the books
5. Give the loans to cronies
6. Serve with contempt
7. If anybody complains about the cooking, introduce them to another Marcos specialty: Tinadtad na Pinoy
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Tupig con Leche
(no Martial Law meal was complete without this classic dessert)
 
Ingredients
One Ferdinand
One Imelda
 
Procedure
1. Take the Ferdinand and mix with the Imelda
2. You now have twopig
3. Shout "leche!" at it
 
 

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