alan robles

Have you seen our volcano?

Fri, 02/02/2018 - 21:57

by Alan Robles

Volcanologists said yesterday they were at a loss to explain how the majestic and iconic Mayon Volcano suddenly relocated to another province.

The startling move was reported by the ever reliable, totally trustworthy and always truthful Assistant Secretary of Communications Mocha Uson, who this week said Mayon Volcano was erupting near Naga City in Camarines Sur province. This is about 80 kilometers northwest of Legazpi City in Albay province, where the distinctive volcano, renowned for its near-perfect symmetrical cone, has been otherwise sited for the last 20 million years or so."

4 vaccines for all occasions

Tue, 01/30/2018 - 17:16

by Alan Robles

Does the new year find you depressed? Feeling unhealthy? Perhaps what you need is a vaccine shot. Good news! Our pharmaceutical firm Digong MyLabs has exactly what you need! We’ve just introduced several vaccines suitable for every condition, budget and social occasion.

What’s that? You’re screaming that you’re worried? Because of the controversy over dengvaxia? Have no fears. All our vaccines are fully tested by our special qualified researcher, Rainier Astupidillo. We found him outside on a highway overpass throwing stones at passing cars. But he was willing to be tested in exchange for a few “likes” on his Facebook page.

Favorite yoga positions of the Duterte administration

Thu, 12/07/2017 - 11:36

by Alan Robles

Weeks ago, the ever reliable Stinking Pinoy News Network (SPNN) dropped a bombshell: a photo of the vice president DOING YOGA WITH A TRAINER RIGHT IN HER OFFICE. SPNN implied she used public funds for private lessons.

In fairness, the story had a minor problem - it was totally fake.The vice president was indeed taking yoga, but as part of a fitness program for her entire office, and the lessons were paid out of the pockets of the participants.

Dropped the ball there, Stinking Pinoy! Such a kidder, you.

But more important, you missed out on a REALLY GREAT story. Namely, did YOU know the Duterte administration is very much into yoga?

Scientific Poll: Should the Vice President be impeached?

Thu, 12/07/2017 - 11:30

by Alan Robles

Thousands of Filipinos have been savagely killed in eight months, and the murders haven't stopped. The President has repeatedly said he wants to kill millions. The police have been implicated in the slayings, as well as in violations of human rights. Investors are pulling out, foreign aid has been slashed and China has grabbed Philippine territory.


What the PNP needs to do: hold a beauty contest

Thu, 12/07/2017 - 11:15

by Alan Robles

Times are bad for the Philippine National Police (PNP). It's being linked to the wave of extra-judicial killings (EJKs) that's victimized thousands, as well as human rights violations. Last year, two police inspectors were arrested shortly after they murdered an anti-crime activist. This year, senior officers in central headquarters were implicated in the kidnap, ransom and strangling of a Korean businessman. This week, a superintendent who used to head a crime lab was caught doing drugs.

Things don't look good. Morale is low, discipline is shaky. Drastic measures seem to be called for. Can anything be done?

If Facebook were a giant cruise ship

Thu, 12/07/2017 - 11:05

by Alan Robles

Captain: Ahoy everybody, this is Captain Clueless speaking! Welcome aboard SS Facebook, the world's largest social media cruise ship, currently carrying millions of passengers and constantly picking up even more. Your comfort and safety are our first concern...

First Officer: Captain!

Captain: What is it?

First Officer: A passenger is complaining she's being sexually harassed by some other passengers!

Saving the crook industry

Thu, 12/07/2017 - 10:55

by Alan Robles
Some weeks back, an editor friend went to a Quezon City address and parked his bicycle, chaining and locking it to a post. When he came back an hour later, he discovered he could no longer free his bike. A thief had tried to pick the lock, failed, but ended up jamming the lock. The editor had to find a hammer to break the chain.

I don't know about you but for me this incident rings alarm bells. Think carefully about the serious problem it calls attention to.

That's right: the quality of our crooks is deteriorating.

Spin doctors overjoyed Bongbong Marcos finally has a really thick face

Thu, 10/01/2015 - 14:00
Spin doctors of Ferdinand "Bongbong" Marcos junior yesterday rejoiced their client has finally grown a "thick, deceit-worthy face."
They exulted after seeing Marcos junior declare "what am I to say sorry about?" when his dictator father's crimes were alluded to in a TV interview early this week.
"Did you see that? He didn't bat an eyelash!", shouted one political consultant, part of an anxious team of spin doctors, child psychologists, speech coaches, evil shamans, orcs and hobgoblins gathered at a media "war room" in the Imelda Marcos 

50 New Year's Resolutions from the Palace

Tue, 01/03/2017 - 12:13

by Alan Robles

A lavandera with strange powers was walking past one of Malacañang Palace's gates when she was run down by a speeding backhoe. Brought to the hospital, she woke up after a few hours and started writing down the following New Year's resolutions, claiming she had received them from a "mysterious source":

1. Crush the drug problem
2. Change the Constitution
3. Stop swearing
4. God damn it, I'm serious
5. Calm down


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