alan robles

Understanding the airport bullet scam

Tue, 11/17/2015 - 17:13
 
 
Noting the keen public interest in bullet planting issue, we have decided to exploit it by putting together this package of more or less dubious questions and answers.
 
1. I've heard that when I check-in at the Ninoy Aquino International Airport there's a chance somebody will set me up by planting a bullet in my bag and then accost me and demand a bribe so I won't be arrested
 
The good news is that it doesn't happen to everyone. There are exemptions.

About Alan

Mon, 08/31/2015 - 20:53

A print journalist for 35 years now, I've worked for publications such as Business Day, Manila Times, Manila Chronicle, Link magazine and Asiaweek. What do these papers all have in common? They’re all dead. But I had nothing to do with it, officer, I swear.

I’ve written for Time magazine, USA Today, Reader’s Digest and Asian Wall Street Journal, which all seem to have actually survived the experience.

In search of Binay's running mate

Mon, 08/10/2015 - 18:45

by Alan Robles

Deep in the dark heart of the political jungle, skilled professionals are engaged in an important quest: hunting and bagging that elusive creature, a running mate for Vice President Binay.

Let's talk to one of those agents, Gnoll Tahol, CEO and Droolmaster of the Showbeast Government Headhunting Troll Tribe and Carinderia Services Inc

Hot Manila: How's the hunting?

Gnoll Tahol: Tough, really tough. Every time we find a possible candidate, we creep up to them, tell them to stay calm because we have a big surprise. Then we tell them we're considering them as a companion for Vice President Binay to run...

Welcome aboard Suspicious Lines

Tue, 10/28/2014 - 10:25

by Alan Robles
(originally published in Manila Chronicle, 1987)

ATTENTION, this is your captain speaking. On behalf of the crew, I welcome you aboard M/V Doña Derelicta.

First of all, may I request the passengers already on board to make more room for the newcomers? I’m sure if you raised your arms and exhaled, you can crowd in a few hundred more. Also, for your own safety, put things in their proper place: stand on your luggage and tie down all your children. And will someone please claim those two carabaos wandering on the lounge?

Our trip to North Harbor will take three days. It will take five days if we have good weather. That means we can stop and load more passengers.

DPWH plans to demolish Intramuros to ease traffic

Tue, 09/23/2014 - 08:17

by Alan Robles

The Department of Public Works and Highways (DPWH) is “seriously considering” destroying the 440-year old walled city of Intramuros in order to speed up the flow of cargo trucks from Port Area.

According to totally unreliable source and vague spokesman Duane Gollum-Dumayo, “planners looked at the Port Area map and they saw this huge 64-hectare congested riverside walled neighborhood blocking the route and they said, what's that? Let's blow it up.

“With lots of dynamite.”

How to tell if your building is world class

Mon, 09/01/2014 - 18:36
 
 
 
Congratulations! Your mayor has just finished constructing a brand new parking building. You say it seems really really expensive? Well, we don't consider it "expensive," we consider it "world class." Let's go on an inspection tour and answer your questions about this unique new parking facility.
 
What's so unique about this parking building that cost billions to build?
First of all, did you notice how, when we drove in, the gates opened and closed? They're automatic gates.
 
But they were opened by security guards.
True, but they opened the gates automatically. And they saluted too. Now that's world class. Why, in some villages, the security guards won't automatically open the gates.

Getting to know the MRT (Might Run Today)

Fri, 08/29/2014 - 20:48

from Wikimedia Commonsby Alan Robles

For the next part of our series on traffic, we'll now talk about how to beat Manila's notorious jams by using the train system. We'll focus on the MRT, which as everyone knows, stands for "Might Run Today."
 
Just kidding; of COURSE the MRT will run today. In fact, it runs everyday. True, it might sometimes run only halfway to where you want to go, which you'll discover when the train suddenly stops in the middle of a stretch of tracks between stations. But never fear, the train makes up for these moments by also occasionally running PAST your destination, plowing through barriers with enthusiasm.
 

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