satire

Famous recipes from Martial Law

Mon, 03/07/2016 - 22:20
 
Recently, a Filipino cooking page on Facebook started spouting pro-Marcos gibberish and linked to the "top 10 establishments built under the Marcos regime."
 
You'd think that by "establishments" a cooking page would mean "resto", or "auberge" or even "carinderia", but no, it turns out it means "buildings". And the list isn't even complete - it doesn't mention the millions in sleazy kickbacks and commissions the Marcoses got for each project.
 
Anyway, what the FB page did is just plain WRONG. It's wrong because if you're a Filipino food recipe page, you shouldn't talk about Martial Law's construction projects: you should give examples of famous recipes from the dictatorship. Don't know any of those recipes? Well, lucky for you, those who experienced Martial Law do. Here are a few.

The Adventures of Plunderer's Boy

Sun, 11/22/2015 - 17:00
 
 
I've been reading Marcos comics. These are gripping black and white short untitled cartoon strips, circulated on social media, that supposedly show significant moments in the life of Ferdinand junior, aka Bongbong aka Baby, aka Mini Me.
 
The strips are drawn in a simple, cute way and are totally honest. For instance they depict the young Marcos with an oversized pumpkin-like head, which is exactly how people have always pictured Marcos junior. Should the unknown artist title the comic, he or she might consider naming it “Balloon Head” or maybe “The Life of Lobong Marcos Jr.” Me, I'd go with something punchier: “The Adventures of Plunderer's Boy.”

Join the Marcos Club now!

Mon, 06/01/2015 - 07:51
 
 
Through Facebook, my number one source of totally accurate info, I discovered a post inviting people to pay PHP 250 to join the “Bongbong Marcos for President Movement.”
 
In return, the member gets an official ID card and (should Marcos win) a chance to earn up to PHP 1 million from “Marcos wealth.”
 
Is the post a joke? Well, one reason why it might be true is that it has the name “Marcos” in it, and everyone knows this is the leading brand when it comes to scams, crime and douchebaggery.

Loyalists: Solve our national problems - resurrect Marcos

Thu, 05/07/2015 - 18:32
 
 
Marcos loyalists have a simple solution to the country's problems: bring the dictator back from the dead.
 
At the brutal tyrant's crypt in Batac, fanatics have gathered to do just that.
 
Amid eerie rhythmic chanting from massed robed worshipers accompanied by the steady pounding of a huge drum, shrieking shamans called on the refrigerated corpse to come back to life. "Hear the pleas of your cringing worthless loyalist minions, oh master," they implored, pleas interspersed with bloodcurdling howls of "Marcos pa rin."
 
The rite was abruptly interrupted when the electricity shut down, and sounds of dripping were mixed with curses.
 
"The cooperative has cut off the power again!", yelled one of the unholy priests."Hurry you fools, pay the bill before master turns into a malignant puddle."

Manufacturer assures Marcos loyalists steady supply of lies

Thu, 05/07/2015 - 09:20
 
 
Marcos loyalists can be assured of a steady supply of lies to promote their idol, said a firm that makes some of the falsehoods.
 
"Loyalists don't ever need to worry about a shortage of shameless lies, baldfaced fabrications and mendacities to support their dearly beloved, malevolent and currently festering leader", declared Tool Furol, chief chair arranger and projector focus adjuster of the consultancy firm Indestructible Deceits and Jeepney Barker Enterprises.
 
"I personally guarantee that my company will keep them well-supplied with the outrageous perversions and dishonest claims they need to shore up their belief in our glorious and gelatinous Ferdinand."
 
He said he was making the announcement in reaction to "rumors" that Marcos loyalists were running out of fake info, falsified data and untruths.
 
"Those stories that we're running out of lies are -- well, lies," he spluttered. "To such claims, I say, stuff and nonsense, in the pretentious tone I use in my posts on Facebook."

Understanding hooligan behavior

Thu, 05/07/2015 - 08:47
 
On November 2014 the son of the decomposing, slowly melting, half-jellied ex-dictator Ferdinand Marcos visited the University of the Philippines in Diliman campus to give a talk. Of course, as a member of a family that plundered the country, stealing at least US$10 billion, and whose patriarch tortured and killed thousands, jailed thousands more, and ruined democratic institutions -- you can be sure he got the reception he deserved.
 
Namely: nothing.
 
Wait, you ask, surely a character like Marcos junior would at least prompt a modest activist turnout, a few hooligans to shout, wave placards and throw stuff? Didn't radicals, years back, actually take over the UP campus for a week and cock their noses at the forces of Marcos senior?
 
Well apparently things are different now and the new activist policy towards the Marcoses is: cricket sounds.
 

Modern Philippine mythical creatures

Mon, 10/27/2014 - 11:19
 
 
A report from a totally reliable source -- an anonymous text message -- says Batangas is being menaced by a group of aswang on a truck.
 
I think it's a hoax. Don't you think it's suspicious how the message fails to say how the aswang were recognized? Did they drive their truck close enough for the texter to get a good look at their Official Aswang IDs? For all we know they could have been congressmen -- it's easy to confuse the two species.
 
But even if the report is bogus, it raises a timely question: isn't it time to update the list of Philippine mythological creatures?

Super Crazy Marcos Loyalist Claims

Wed, 10/01/2014 - 10:31
 
 
By now, pretty much all of planet Earth - and probably a few neighboring star systems - is aware that Ferdinand Marcos was a lying, stinking, thieving butcher.
 
This is something that doesn't sit well with Marcos loyalists.
 
"Aww, he's not that bad", they say while drooling on their alphabet blocks (the complete loyalist set, A to B)
 
Loyalists don't like hearing that Marcos killed thousands of Filipinos, jailed and tortured tens of thousands more, and stole at least US$10 billion. They don't like hearing how Marcos chopped up the economy, dividing it with his family and friends, and chopped up Filipinos when they complained or looked unhappy.
 

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